Abelard, Tom (N1): The
lead debater on Quilty Prep's LD team. Abelard is a
senior, and the team's topic theorist, the one who divines the real meanings
behind the resolutions. His teammates may sneer at his interpretations and
choose to follow their own paths, but in the end it is always Tom Abelard who
makes it furthest in the elimination rounds, with enough Combat of Conquerors
limbs to qualify a small army. But it is not Abelard's debating skills that set
him apart ; it is another quality altogether that makes this short,
curly-haired teddy-bearish Quilty student remarkable.
Tom Abelard has what can only be described as animal magnetism. He is not the
smartest person in the world, nor the nicest, nor the best looking, but the
opposite sex is attracted to him like weevils to the cotton bolls.
Affluent Geek (NCOC) A very elite West Coast high school
Levi (N1): The forensics doyenne of Hebrides High
School, implicated in physical battle with Mr. Lo Pat. She has been in the nun
business for fifty years now.
Alert, Amber (NCOC): Philadelphian judge.
Alice, Alice B. (NCOC): Early favorite to win LD at the COC.
Allawalla, Kennerji (N2): Arkansan
Facebook friend of Tucker Gallstone, whom he worships.
Ambrose, Ashley (N1): Nighten
Day's Original Orator is never haphazard, and never less than fully dressed in
a pastel lawyer suit, a white silk shirt, a Hermes scarf tied tightly around
her throat—and never the same scarf twice—and three inch heels in a
color matching her suit. She is always smiling, perhaps not sincerely.
Andrew Johnson High School: "Home
of the Unimpeachable Education" and also home of the Andrew Johnson
Reconstruction Memorial and The Little Johnson, the classic debut event for Northeastern
The Article (NCOC): An essay published in the WSJ proving that debate will get you into a better college.
Beauchamp, Booty (N2): A
Toulouse-Lautrec PF sophomore with a healthy appetite.
Bisonette Technical (N1): Located
in Stockwood in upstate New York, Bisonette
(pronounced "Bisonay") is just beginning to assemble
an LD team under the auspices of their new coach.
(N2): One of the Veil of Ignorance Seven
Samurai, and shadow coach to Tucker Gallstone.
Botch, Geronimo (N2): NYPD
detective, partner of Joe Wednesday, working the cold Halibut Killer case.
Brillig, David (N1): Originally
the Duo partner of William Hand, and also his long-time best friend. They are
both blue-eyed and blond-haired, and are students at Nighten Day. Their
greatest triumph was "Parrots." David's solo HI piece is a cut from the film of
Brooklyn Behemoth: An
Brotherly Love School for Highly Intelligent Teenagers (NCOC): An afterschool and summer camp tutoring organization in Camden, NJ, often referred to by its initials, BLSHIT.
Buglaroni, Ben and Jerry (N2, NCOC): The
twins, or as they are known to trekkers around the world, TNG.
Buglaroni, Grandma (N1): The
former Maria Contaglia, she is a small woman, but
thick, and her aura of solidity makes her seem larger than she is. Her hair is
gray, pulled tight and knotted at the back of her head. She smells of BenGay, which she is constantly rubbing into her sore legs
and arms. She wears black—widow's weeds—the mourning outfit she has
worn a la Queen Victoria since the death of her husband, Ham Senior's father,
Buglaroni, Hamlet P., Jr. (N1, N2, NCOC): The
novice LDer from hell. And also from Nighten Day.
Thirteen years old, five feet ten inches tall and unable to push the scale over
130 pounds. His favorite cap is red, tightly fitted around his head, and it
says nothing, which he considers a major statement. He always wears two pairs
of socks. HPB may be the ultimate hero of Nostrum... or maybe not. In Series 2,
HPB is a substitute teacher at Andrew Johnson High School, "Home of the
Buglaroni, Hamlet P., Sr. (N1): Divorced
(from Sharon), father of the Novice from hell, stepson of Grandma Bulgaroni, with distinct ties through his
automobile-related businesses to organized crime.
Bunbury, the Nighten Day Guidance Counselor, is
perhaps the school's most flamboyant administrator. Mostly bald, what hair
remains is surfer blond and closely cropped around his ears, and he is
perennially deeply tanned. He believes that college visits should be bunched
Castorp, Hans (N1): Hans
Castorp, a German emigre,
is a Hollywood wunderkind with a thick Teutonic accent and shoulder-length
dirty blond hair. He is having difficulty casting his next picture.
Chowder, Ramchen (N2): Sole
debater from Punxsutawney Phillips Exeter Academy, coached by Boner Corkzit.
Cimino, Michael (N2):
Claudio Monteverdi Tournament (N2): It's
the opening event on the national circuit, somewhere deep in Texas, where
Thomas Jefferson doesn't exist.
Cliburn, Jimbob Van (NCOC): Sheriff of Codswallop County.
Combat of Conquerors (N1,2,3): Inevitably
referred to as the COC, a tournament held at the end of each school year. An
advisory board to the COC analyzes every tournament around the country by such
criteria as the number of participants and the number of states from which
these participants come, and jumbles it all together and comes up with the COC
limbs: at certain points in a number of tournaments, perhaps at quarterfinals
or semifinals, or at very big tournaments even at octofinals, COC limbs are
granted. If you make it that far, you get a limb. If you get enough limbs to
stand on—usually two but some years three and some years only one if you
have a ghost limb or a wooden limb (don't ask!)—then you are allowed to
participate at the Combat of Conquerors.
Cootem, Rube (NCOC): Social studies teacher and Coach at Oshkosh Agricultural Extension HS.
The Conqueror (NCOC): Stats McGillicuddy's debate tip sheet.
Corkzit, Boner (N2): Junior
(theoretically) at UPenn, maverick coach of Ramchen Chowder.
Cratch, Bob (N1): The
secretary of the Quilty Prep forensics team. Bob Cratch is a perfect choice for the position: he is serious
without being joyless, and he is capable of maintaining accurate records, which
is more than can be said for many adult coaches. Even Bob Cratch's
appearance is serious but not joyless: tall and beefy with his blond hair in a
Marine buzz cut, bright red flannel shirt over faded carpenter pants, giving
off the sense of an apprentice lumberjack. This is his second year as
secretary, and in that time he has never missed a registration deadline and
never failed to obtain the maximum number of slots for his team.
Cumcut, Halefoil (N2): Coach,
Manhattan Lodestone (a magnet school).
Davidson, Disney (N1): A
vegan freshman at Northeastern Agricultural Institute, and former Nighten Day LDer.
Dazs-Buglaroni, Haagen (N2): Spouse of HPB.
(N1,2): At six feet tall, the most formidable
coach on the circuit aside from Seth B. Obomash. Alida
Devans, 53 years old, coaches speech at Brooklyn
Behemoth. For Alida, it's not about competition, it's
about winning. As it is hard to foster a mindless, prejudicial hatred unless
you yourself are somehow tainted by the thing you hate, it behooves us to point
out that Alida was raised a Catholic.
Diamond, Cartier (N1): Nighten
Day's contribution to Dramatic Interp. A senior with shoulder-length blond
hair, blazing violet eyes and a honey-soft feline voice. She usually dresses in
black and is tall enough and pretty enough to be a model; Tarnish Jutmoll often
gets the impression that she is only pretending to be a high school student to
bring back notes from the field.
DiBella, Ellie (N1): Once
known as De Belle of Debate before she settled down with Trat
Warner. A Nighten Day LDer, Ellie often manages
to break into elimination rounds. Both Ellie and Trat
are seniors, and have already decided to seek early admission at the same
college. No one doubts that they will be buried together about eighty years
Dikeskroner, Raga (N2): An
LD judge apparently from the Chitlin' Circuit. Also,
an Old One.
(NCOC): Assistant coach of the SUCKy debate team, and, by happenstance, a little person.
Cahoots High School (NCOC): Possibly mythical school whence has arisen qual-king Kim Kim.
Dwindle, Chip (N1): Representing
Farnsworth Catholic's LD contingent, Chip is his
real—baptismal—name. Presumably there must be a St. Chip,
therefore, celebrated somewhere in Catholic liturgy. Chip's father, who often
judges, is notorious for always dropping Jasmine Maru.
Elliot, G (NCOC): Gender-shifting LDer from Manhattan Lodestone.
Farnsworth Catholic: From
Manhattan, Farnsworthians always dress similarly in
blazers and chinos, a recognizable uniform of exception in the otherwise
uniform debate sea of inclusion of dark gray and blue suits. To a degree Farnsworthians are interchangeable cogs in their school's
attack on forensics, always running the same cases at blazing speed, leaving
nothing behind but a whiff of incense and a hint of irony—they are
Catholic to the core.
Firmguns, Dude (N2): Insurance
adjuster by day, lady killer by night, and tournament director by
weekend. Graduate of Upper Schmegeggie Community College.
Fleece, Had (N1): Six
foot two with a linebacker's solidly muscular build, he is golden and blond and
chiseled thickly from the WASPiest of blood stocks.
Had is neither conceited nor pompous about his debating success, any more than
he is conceited or pompous about his classical good looks or his consistent
high honor roll average or his perfect 1600 SATs achieved in his junior year.
His lack of conceit and pomposity have made him the most popular boy in his
Toulouse-Lautrec class, another fact about which he is neither conceited nor
Fudless, Gloria (N1): Originally
known as Gloria What, the word that would best describe her first appearance in
Nostrum is undead. Her hair is dyed black, and she wears black eye makeup and
black lipstick. But her voice is deep and rich. She appears—representing Bisonette Tech—at her first NDL in a short black
skirt, black tights, a black shirt and a black jacket; you can take the girl
out of the night, but you can't take the night out of the girl.
Gallstone, Tucker (N2): A
sophomore with dreams of becoming an LD superhero (Nighten Day) or, perhaps, a Veilie.
Gazzola, Joe (N2): Probably
not a real coach due to lack of anagrammatic name.
(N1): Nighten Day's smartest student, a senior who's
already racked up perfect 800s on his SATs. He is short and chubby, with curly
black hair sticking up from the top of his head like a tangle of holly bushes.
A long mandarin mustache gives him an air of oriental mystery, in keeping with
his being the only full-blooded Inuit not only in Nighten Day High School, but
in the town, the county, and perhaps even the state (with the exception, of
course, of his immediate family). Griot is something
of a mystic, and the number-one schematic interpreter on the circuit.
Goldberg, Sashimi (N2): Novice on the Nighten Day team,
shanghaied by Hautboy into Speech, starting out with the OO entitled
Gusset, Tina (NCOC): Coach of the Luce Triplets at Franciscan Jesuit.
Halibut Killer, The (N2): The
murderer of Mr. Lo Pat.
Hand, William (N1): Originally
half of the blond, blue-eyed Duo team of Hand and Brillig,
William has recently come out as gay. Welcome to the Bahamas! As an aside,
William can listen to the soundtrack of "Rent" twenty-four hours a day.
Hannah and Hughes (N1): Hebrides
High School's leading Duo team.
Hannan, Dearth (NCOC): Tournament Director of the COC, and coach of the SUCKy debate team.
(NCOC): Elderly track coach at OK-Aggie. Presumably unmarried.
Horus-Pecan, H. E.
of the Combat of Conquerors. AKA "Heppy."
(NCOC): Chancellor of SUCKy.
Willy and Mama (NCOC): An
LDer from Oshkosh Agricultural Extension HS, and his mother, Lola, who will do anything to get into
Hyphen-Emdash, Tilde (N1): Star debater from the
Algren-on-the-Beach, Massachusetts, team. She is a tall, dark-haired girl, in
appearance somewhat resembling Morticia Addams, only
slightly more funereal.
Jutmoll, Tarnish (N1,2): The
Nighten Day coach. A small man, barely five feet tall, with a white goatee
below a wild range of similarly white hair on his little skull. One long white
eyebrow stretches the entire ridge above his dark, probing eyes. He inevitably
seems to have just come indoors from a windstorm, and one might mistake him for
a tiny wizard or a large elf if one is partial to fantasy universes. His main
anchor to reality is his bow-leggedness, his knees
seemingly far enough apart to allow the passage between them of a pair of
Siamese twin toddlers clutching black market Sleep and Snore Ernie dolls. There
is mystery in Jutmoll's past: the accident, Myra Moon ... Jutmoll teaches
Social Studies, plus a half credit debate class. He has no family.
Juvaswami, Kumar (N1): Nighten
Day's Humorous Interper, who always seems to be in a
world of his own. A senior.
Kane, Mahatma (N2): Halefoil
Cumcut's man's man.
Keelhaul, Leona (N2): Lead
DIer from Kepler Star
Academy in Florida, and Hautboy's main competition
Kim, Kim (NCOC): From Cahoots High, the LDer with the most qualifications for the COC.
King Ivy: The
big Ivy League tournament in February.
Klarr, Max: (NCOC) The
coach from Affluent Geek, famous for "Klarring" judges after rounds that don't go his way.
(NCOC): Doyen of tournament management in the
northeast, and LD tab director for this year's COC.
LeMonde, Hautboy (N2): Speech
captain at Nighten Day HS, a senior.
Lewton, Val (N1): The
principal of Bisonette with a leering aspect that Amnea Nutmilk finds suspect.
Lloyd, Harold (N1): Monsignor
Lloyd is the principal of Veil of Ignorance.
Luce Triplets (NCOC): Lou, Lu or Lulu, from Franciscan Jesuit Academy, famous for Crapaud Theory.
Lupino, Ida (N2): Principal
of Nighten Day HS, barely older than a student, in love with trophies—any
Manhattan Lodestone: A
magnet school. Home of the OriginalVaganza Tournament
(all other Tournaments are Extra), which includes a notorious LD Round Robin.
Marcellus, Jon (N1): Aka
Binko, a motorcyclist with a severe five o'clock
shadow, although five o'clock of which day is probably up for grabs. He could
be seventeen, twenty-two or twenty-seven. A cigarette smoker, he someday wants
to get a major-paying job for some heartless corporation, but first he has to
graduate high school and go to college, and his bet is that "having debate on
my resume will not be a bad idea."
Maru, Camelia (N1): Shy
younger sister of Jasmine Maru, and a potential Master of the Debate Universe
from Nighten Day.
Maru, Jasmine (N1): At five foot one and ninety-one
pounds, she is tiny and dark and as Japanese as the Emperor. A Nighten Day LDer, serious like her younger sister Camelia,
perhaps a bit too romantic for her own good.
Maru, Lily (N2): Captain,
Nighten Day Debate Team, a senior in the throes of applying to college.
McGillicuddy, Stats (NCOC): Creator of the "Conqueror" debate tip sheet.
(N2): Anti-debate physics teacher at Nighten
Melvish (N1): A
novice LDer from Quilty
Prep, rather unpopular with the team seniors.
Messerschmitt Mess O' Forensics is the first major high school tournament of
the school year, encompassing every forensic event. Messerschmitt College is in
Milak, Kalima (N1): From Manhattan Lodestone, the toughest
girl on the circuit, both in debating ability and life experience. She commutes
over two hours on a variety of buses, subways and conestoga
wagons to get to her school every day from a foster home at the furthest
reaches of Staten Island. Rumor has it that she is armed at all times, and she
apparently wears a human ear as a necklace.
Millstein, Haley (NCOC): From Nighten Day School, a strong contender for late outrounds at the COC.
Moon, Myra (N1): It
will be a while before we're ready to tell this story....
Muffle, Billy (N2): Your
average, everyday, full-of-energy (not) high school freshman (Nighten Day).
Nighten Day: The central team in Nostrum Series 1,
but the budget is tight, and they may be dropping forensics at whatever point
this year that the money runs out. The Snow Ball is Nighten Day's own annual
tournament, run every January, usually in the middle of a snowstorm.
(N1): The Editor of Metro New York magazine, this solid,
frizzy-haired, recently divorced woman is now coaching a new team for her son's
new suburban high school, Bisonette Technical.
Nutmilk, Chesney (N1): A
Master of the Debate Universe, formerly of Manhattan Lodestone, now with Bisonette Technical. In his freshman year at Lodestone he
won his first two Combat of Conquerors limbs, and from that point on there was
no looking back. As a sophomore he took King Ivy. As a junior he made it all
the way to the finals of the COC Tournament, and made it to semis in both the
Catholic Forensic League Nationals and the Non-Catholic Forensic League
("Invoice") (N1): He begins as Bill, a
slightly overweight policy debater, successful partner of Tara Petskin at Veil of Ignorance. Thanks to francogrammatification,
and some other changes, he becomes Invoice O'Connor, among other things.
Obomash, Seth B. (N1, 2): A
man of many appetitites. Six and a half feet tall,
this African-American first appears in Nostrum as the coach of Veil of
Ignorance, a history teacher, district NFL chairman, and a dyed-in-the-wool
Policy-first maven. Later a researcher for Fox News, and disreputable and vaguely distasteful
blogger at "Quack The Forensic Duck."
Oshkosh Agricultural Extension HS (NCOC): Home of The Hubjuts, and coach Rube Cootem. Familiarly known as OK-Aggie; members of the student body are referred to as OK-Aggians.
Padrewski, Warner (Worm) (N1): Worm
is a Bisonette sophomore recruited by Chesney Nutmilk. Dark, unshaven, disshevelled,
he has a voice like a depressed turtle.
Pat, Mr. Lo (N1, 2 [deceased], NCOC [flashed back]): The
wheelchair-bound coach of Manhattan Lodestone. A debate god from the get-go, he
has been around since the invention of around. His disability is the result of
Petskin, Tara (N1): A
pair of glasses, which seem to cover every part of her face that isn't hidden
by her long auburn hair. Tara, a senior, is a serious Polician
from Veil of Ignorance, the partner of Bill O'Connor. In her earlier debate
career she partnered with Haircut Puente.
Persephone (NCOC): Dude Firmguns's escort at the COC.
Peta Union Academy for Young Ladies (NCOC): Girls' school whose debaters are commonly referred to as the Petunias. Fielding Marcy Mann and Liz Giuseppe in LD at this year's COC.
(N2): Mother of eight sons, in charge of
food at the Andrew Johnson Reconstruction Memorial and The Little Johnson.
a Nighten Day sophomore, is the familiar of Cartier Diamond. He is not known to
participate actively in forensics, but he always seems to be at forensics
events. Chubby, short, unattractive, usually red-faced.
Puente, Shavena (Haircut) (N1): Haircut, at five-foot-eleven, with a
closely shaved head and a shadow of whiskers and an intense look in his eye, is
the classic image of the anarchist. You could imagine him organizing Wobblies
in the middle west of America or riding the train to Finland with Lenin or
sipping Pernod with the students in 1968 Paris or
generally causing serious mischief against The System from whatever platform he
chose to preach from. One time partner of Tara Petskin
at Veil of Ignorance. Creator of the enormously successful
www.haircutpuente.com web site.
Punxsutawney Phillips Exeter Academy: Punx Phil Ex's sole
debater is Ramchen Chowder, and sole coach is Boner Corkzit.
Pup-A-Roni, The: The
first big college tournament of the year, at Pup, an Ivy League school.
Quilty Prep: Quilty Prep is a public
high school allied with no university. Its founders considered the name Quilty High to be too banal for such a tony hamlet as Quilty, New York. Quilty Prep, on
the other hand, wreaked of wealth and ivy and untold numbers of strings of polo
ponies, if not exactly of common sense. So Quilty
Prep it was. Quilty Prep has one of the largest
forensics teams in the state, spread over LD and Speech but excluding Policy.
Rand-Walsh, Eric (N2): LD coach at Veil of Ignorance HS.
Rickroll Casino (NCOC): Home of Las Vegas's only debate betting parlor.
Rivers, St. John (NCOC): Veil of Ignorance's lead LDer.
Rugrot, Winnable (NCOC): The
founder of the Brotherly Love School for Highly Intelligent Teenagers.
Rumpole, Mason (NCOC): Attorney for the Brotherly Love School for Highly Intelligent Teenagers.
Ryan, Dan (N1, NCOC): The
coach of Toulouse is a fiery Irishman of the Policy persuasion. Usually found
in the tab room.
Santorelli, Bark (N1): Bark
is the original boyfriend of Gloria Fudless. He has
long, stringy dark hair tied around at the back of his neck, where the head of
a dragon tattoo can be seen riding up above his collar. Three gold earrings
dangle from his right ear, and one from his left. He is a senior at Nighten
Day, all of eighteen years old with a regular driver's license and his own
Saxon, Braun and Brett (N1): A
young married couple. Brett is working toward her master's degree in
archaeology, and is forced to travel often. Nostrum begins with Braun,
offstage, having recently broken up with Cartier Diamond.
Sazo, Nip (N1): Bowling
fanatic and coach of the Algren-On-The-Beach, Massachusetts, team.
Scott (N2): All-American
help desk person for Nighten Day, located in India, of course.
Screeds, Renate (N1, 2): Rail
thin and older than justice, Ms. Screeds is the coach of Andrew Johnson.
Seven Samurai, The (N2): The assistant LD coaches at Veil of
Sprat, Peter (N2): A
Toulouse-Lautrec PF sophomore, partner of the legendary Booty Beauchamp.
Starbuck, Tom (N1): Consiglieri of the Vitelli
family. The lawyer, Starbuck, is a large, tall man, nearly completely bald,
wearing oversized aviator-frame eyeglasses. His size and fitness and bronze
skin exude health and vitality, while his small eyes behind the glasses add a
definition of intelligence to his profile.
SUCKy (NCOC): State University of Codswallop Kentucky.
Sworn, Haj L. (N1): The
coach of Farnsworth Catholic.
Tarleton, Frick and Frank (N1): The
Tarleton Twins, Nighten Day LD Novices, often engage in conversations that only
they consider any sort of communication.
The Vitellis (N1): Don
Angelo is the father of Don Domenick. Don Proscenio is the son of Angelo and half-brother to Domenick. The newspapers refer to him as Proscenio (the "Whale") Vitelli.
The Whale lives a rather piscatory existence, while
remaining a mammal, at least in name.
Torte, Lisa (N1): The
not-unattractive, 22-year-old, five-foot tall Ms. Torte begins her Nostrum
forensics career as an assistant to Mr. Lo Pat at Manhattan Lodestone. A former
LD champ, she is a true believer in postmodernism, whatever that is, and
possesses a coffee mug emblazoned with the slogan, "Narrative Isn't."
Toulouse Lautrec High School : A
major forensics school with a stuffed monkey as a mascot. They're the closest
neighbors to Nighten Day.
Tse, Ola (N2): Former
coach at Manhattan Lodestone.
Ularasa, Tab (NCOC): Legendary tabulation guru, a bit on the old side, and with a taste for the sauce.
Veil of Ignorance
Catholic High School: Policy
Rules at this Catholic school, willing to spend all of the Pope's money
on its forensic future.
Viadud, Hem (N2): Coach
at Monteverdi; armed and dangerous.
Voleski, Jazz (NCOC): A second-year-out from Casper, Wyoming. Private coach to Haley Millstein.
Walsh, Raoul (N1): A
dry old man with an eye patch, the principal of Nighten Day.
Warner, Trat (N1): A Nighten Day senior, boyfriend of
Wednesday, Joe (N2): NYPD
detective, partner of Geronimo Botch, working the cold Halibut Killer case.
Whipsnade, Larson E. (N2): Collector
of fines at Monteverdi, "a portion of which" goes to starving Third
Wilson, Der (NCOC): North South Central's LD star.
Zatoichi (N2): Blind
salesman of Halibut Helper samurai sword.
Zeke the Bus Guy
Johnson's chief trafficker.