Nostrum Series One

The Written Edition

These were the episodes as they were originally published, on a somewhat weekly basis. The episodes that correspond to audios of Series One have been slightly edited and updated from the originals.

Our adventure begins in New Jersey, with the Andrew Johnson Reconstruction Memorial (and the Little Johnson)

  • 1   The Young and the Clueless
  • 2   All My Debaters
  • 3   Things to do in Denver When You're Just Feeling a Little Sickly
  • 4   "Lucy, I'm Home"
  • 5   Don't Cry for Me, Nighten Township
  • 6   Bless Me Father for I Have Tabbed
  • 7   Keep the Aspidistra What?
  • 8   Reservoir Hot Dogs
  • 9   The Rights Stuff
  • 10   On the Road Again
  • 11   Policy is the Best, Honestly
  • 12   Them's the Breaks!
  • 13   The Envelope, Please


Hiatus -- prepping for The Messerschmitt College Mess O' Forensics!

  • 14   Don't Give up Your Day Job
  • 15   Personally, I Prefer Werewolves of London
  • 16   My Dinner with Buglaroni
  • 17   In the Room, Forensics Come and Go
  • 18   Sylvia? Who is she?



The Miami Messerchmitt Mess O' Forensics -- the first big college tournament of the year has finally begun. All we can say at this point is that there will be at least one arrest. Everything else is up to the judges.

  • 19   It's a Debate World After All
  • 20   Road Trip!
  • 21   Do You Like Miami, Dear? Kindly Tell Me If So
  • 22   Beware the Jabberwock, My Son
  • 23   I Say, Jeeves, Pass the Komodo Steaks, That's a Good Fellow
  • 24   You're Either On the Bus or Off the Bus
  • 25   Brillig and the Slithy Tove
  • 26   Moby Dick 2, Or, The Other Whale
  • 27   Have an Eggroll, Mr. Goldstone
  • 28   Because the Night...
  • 29   What's Good About It?
  • 30   But in the Morning, No
  • 31   Sisterhood Forever!
  • 32   Break, Rattle and Roll
  • 33   PDA
  • 34   One to Hold the Bulb and Five to Twist the Ladder


The Messerschmitt is over, but the debate season is just getting into full swing. The new LD topic is about to be released, there's romance in the air, and of course, there's the aftermath of the Messerschmitt to be unravelled.

  • 35   A Most Excellent See, Your Excellency
  • 36   Put This in Your Tub and Smoke It!
  • 37   Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spammetty Spammmmmm! Spammetty Spam.
  • 38   Tell Me On a Sunday, Please
  • 39   I Don't Think They Mean SATs for Labrador Retrievers
  • 40   Any Place I Hang My Hat is Holy
  • 41   At Least It's Not the Christian Coalition
  • 42   Paradise by the Dashboard Light
  • 43   And You Call Yourself an Immortal?
  • 44   A Pound of Flesh, Two Pounds of Carrots, and a Nice Baguette
  • 45   Another Reason for Sticking with Bruce Willis Movies


This weekend it's a little tournament, an NDL/CFL at Toulouse-Lautrec High School for newbie debaters and all stripes of Speechies. Not much will happen...

  • 46   So Is Teeny Todd Really Sweeney's Little Brother?
  • 47   In the Heart of the Hibernian Metropolis
  • 48   Mine I'll Leave to Chance and Chemistry. Yeah, Chemistry.
  • 49   How Now, Kurosawa?
  • 50   By George, I Think She's Got It
  • 51   Song and Dance


The NDL/CFL is over. All eyes now turn to preparations for the Manhattan Lodestone OriginalVaganza (All Other Vaganzas are Merely Extra)!

  • 52   Make Him an Aff Case He Can't Refuse
  • 53   I'm in Love with IMs, Baby, or, What's the Story, MorningGlory@aol.com
  • 54   I'm Calm, I'm Calm, I'm Perfectly Calm
  • 55   Hand Me De Construction Paper / Papier De Hand Me De Construction / Paper De Hand Me Of Construction
  • 56   You Da Man, Girlfriend!
  • 57   Things That Go Bump in the Day -- A Nostrum Pot Pourri: Celluloid Heroes; The Seth Will Rise Again; Nancy Drew and the Missing of the Case
  • 58   What Becomes an Invoice Most?
  • 59   A Night at the Telephone: Welcome Back Kotter; Pass the Eggs Benedict, Arnold; The Fundamental Rules Apply
  • 60   I Wake Up Screaming; Da, Da, Da, Da, Da, KICK!
  • 61   And Quiet Flows the Don (Provided He has a Flow Pad) / Bunburying / Which Came First? The Chick or the Yegg?
  • 62   Hooray for Hollywood! / The War Between Debates / Totally Moly
  • 63   It's Not the Black Spot, but it Will Probably do the Job / Someday My Prince Will Come
  • 64   Godsapoppin / The Old Dawg's Network / Old Trick, Young Pup Division / He Walks in Nightly, Like a Beaut
  • 65   The Magnificent Sevens
  • 66   Dialogues: When I Take My Saccharin to Tea / He's Back and She's Mad / Salome and the Dance of the Seven Veils (of Ignorance) / The Feline Dialectic
  • 67   The Dons' Last Do
  • 68   The Nostrum Musical Players Proudly Present the Round Robinskis in "On the Town"
  • 69   But Is He Worse Than Her Bite? / Did Somebody Say Conversion?


The Manhattan Lodestone OriginalVaganza (All Other Vaganzas are Merely Extra) gets underway.

  • 70   How to Run the Perfect Tournament: A Hands-on Guide for Average Humans Wishing to Achieve Forensics Immortality
  • 71   Musical Chairmanship: Well, Maybe This Particular Lady is a Tramp / Keglers in the Night / If I Can't Make it There, I Can't Make it Anywhere, but at least I can Audit
  • 72   Houston, We Have a Problem

Recorded versions of series one end at this point. You've got to read the rest of them yourself. Read them out loud, if you want to maintain some sort of consistency.

  • 73   Awakenings
  • 74   If LA's Such a Lady, Why are You Here? / Strangers in the Morning / Witchcraft
  • 75   September Song, Give or Take a Few Months
  • 76   Saturday Night is the Loneliest Night of the Week / Strangest in the Night
  • 77   Here Comes Everybody: Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome / In Debate There are no Mortal Sins / Take a Train, Take a Boat, Take a Plane, Ride a Goat
  • 78   The Other Imperative
  • 79   Hey, Good-Lookin', or Words to That Effect, if I Could Only Think of What to Say, and if I had the Guts to Say It
  • 80   Is This How Roy Met Sigfried? / Dazed and Confused
  • 81   Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em / The Rough Guide to Forensics
  • 82   Winning Isn't Everything / We Do Robert a Disservice
  • 83   As the Sun Sets Over Beautiful Manhattan Lodestone...


As the Manhattan Lodestone OriginalVaganza fades into history, and the Round Robinskis conga back to Chickamauga, life goes on -- sort of -- at Nighten Day, Bisonette, and the rest of the northeast. The next event is a wee sma CFL Speech tournament, the Blessed Moly.

  • 84   It Worked for the Lunts, Too / Birds Gotta Swim, Fish Gotta Fly
  • 85   The End of Rico / Now Hear This!
  • 86   Say It Isn't So, Jutmoll / Did He Who Made the Lamb Make Thee?
  • 87   Not That Infernal Nonsense Pinafore! / Telephone, Telegraph, and Tell a Forensician
  • 88   Where Are Those French Translations When You Really Need Them? / Computists of the world, unite!
  • 89   The Truth Will Set You Back a Few Bucks / Eat Up. Shut.
  • 90   The Best Part is the Seal of Approval on the Toilet / And Jupiter Aligns with Mars / Thirty Seconds Remaining
  • 91   She Looks Askance With Arms Akimbo / The Designated Driver / Putting People First
  • 92   Why Can't They Be Like We Were, Perfect in Every Way? / Chin Up, Shoulders Back -- You Call Yourself a Soldier? / What was that about Fast Cars?
  • 93   The HPB Guide to Dating
  • 94   Any Port in a Storm / Any Storm in a Port
  • 95   I Came Here for the Waters / Down Dooby Do Down Down, Comma Comma / The Mint Jelly Would Have Been Messier / When the Swallows Return to Capistrano.com
  • 96   Oh How I Love to Get Up in the Morning / The History of Religion, Part One, the Early Years; or, I Remember Moses / And Michael Ovitz Judges on Weekends, Not that he Needs the Extra Money, he's Simply Keeping his Hand in
  • 97   The Road to Blessed Moly / The Road to Buglaroni / The Road to the COC
  • 98   Seth Went the Strings of My Heart
  • 99   It Could Have Been Alfalfa / Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow / Show Me the Way to the Next Little Boy / Is There a Femaledizione?
  • 100   A Time for Reflection

  • NOTE: The following episodes were not updated for the 21st Century. The stories are there, but some of the links won't work. Stop whining and just read them, you yabbo!
  • 101   A Star is Buglaroni
  • 102   As Bill Said to Paula, You Make Monadnock / There Are No Small Roles, Only Small Buglaronis / What Does Moby Dick have to do with Coffee, Anyhow?
  • 103   Home Alone / How Did They Get That Thing in There? / The Typical F.O.B. / A Horse Is A Horse, Unless of Course...
  • 104   Work This
  • 105   The Ugly Canadian
  • 106   Gloria in Excelsis Gloriae
  • 107   Welcome to Quilty!
  • 108   And the Monadnock is Worth a Rosary? / Trouble in speech and debate land? We are shocked, shocked to hear it.
  • 109   Wimple Weep For Me / Ratting on the Putz / I Have Often Stalked on this Street Before
  • 110   No, No, Nymphet / Maybe She Knows Clarence Thomas?
  • 111   So Much for Price Waterhouse
  • 112   He's Just My Invoice / She'd Said Chad's in the Shed Eating Shad
  • 113   Norman Bates, the Early Years / If Teeth Were Inches, Orthodontists Would Diet
  • 114   It's Just a Jump to the Left / Cache or Charge?
  • 115   From Pool to Pool / Well, Ah Declaim!
  • 116   Ora Pro Speechibus / Expletive Deleted / These Precious Days / Harvard, on the Other Hand, Costs as Much as the Prom / Where Do You Want to Go Today?
  • 117   By Their Films, Ye Shall Know Them


And finally, the Blessed Moly, a small Speech tournament, presumably for small Speechies.

  • 118   You Must Remember This
  • 119   Glory Days / Toujours Polyester / Scratch This / Humbert a Few Bars and I'll Fake It
  • 120   Dr. Benway to EPR, Stat! / Where Do They Sell the Sprouts? / The Joy of Speech Judging
  • 121   Kumar Tells All


Next up, we get our brains in gear for Massachusetts' legendary Algren-on-the-Beach tournament.

  • 122   Nietzsche Was Right About Eternal Recurrence / Meow, Antimeow, Synmeow
  • 123   Never Burn Your Bridges
  • 124   Ten to One They're Eating PBJ Sandwiches at Veil of Ignorance / It Could Have Been Semi's Colons
  • 125   Yale, Schmale
  • 126   Advertising 101
  • 127   The Nostrum Guide to Opera
  • 128   A Cigar is Good, But a Woman is a Woman
  • 129   The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Bus Token
  • 130   Road Warriors / We Always Thought the Jarndyces only Fought Each Other
  • 131   Ralph Kramden, Ralph Kramden, wherefore art thou Ralph Kramden?
  • 132   Is That You, Ayesha? / Da Bus! Da Bus! / You Can Never Find a Guatemalan when You Need One
  • 133   I See You Quiver With Antici-- / --pation
  • 134   Would You Prefer a Novena? / Thank God for Pets Dot Com
  • 135   No Exit, Part 2: He's Sartre and He's Mad
  • 136   To the Lord, Praises Be / It’s Time for Dinner so Let’s All Eat / In Vedantic Tab, it’s a Dormouse
  • 137   Any Place I Hang My Hat is Housing
  • 138   Consider Yourself Part of the Family
  • 139   Have Those Tickets for the Rolling Stones Alzheimer Tour Arrived Yet, Pumpkin? / And You Call Yourself a Chuzzlewit? / Whatever Happened to Cousin Ampersand and Uncle Underscore? / EconoHovel. Always the Same. People Come. People Go. Nothing Ever Happens.
  • 140   The Lamb Comes Home to Roost / If there were any Justice, we'd Give Tickets to Handicapped People who Park in Non-handicapped Spaces
  • 141   Passages / One First Mate is as Good as Another
  • 142   Here Come Da Parent Judge, Here Come Da Parent Judge / This Guy Says the Horse Can Do
  • 143   Compared with which that would be as sensible as a dictionary / Talkin' About My G-G-G-Generation
  • 144   When I Say I'm in Love You'd Best Believe I'm in Love, L-U-V / Fugue for Debatehorns / My Anomie's Anomie is My Friend
  • 145   What is this thing called love? / What? Is this thing called love? / What is this thing called, love?
  • 146   Do You Come Here Often, What's Your Sign, and I Once Met Beck's Mother-In-Law / Is that Er, as in Uh, or ER as in Emergency Room? / If You Were Mexican, You'd Eat Mexican Food Three Times a Day
  • 147   Fast Forward to 2017 / The Nicest Scient Insect
  • 148   What Whine Goes with Ferrets? / Of the Tumbled, Speak No Evil / Swains a' Poppin'
  • 149   Bow, Applause, Bow, Applause, Reprise, Applause, Bow, We’re Outta Here
  • 150   This is the Way The Team Ends


With Algren-on-the-Beach -- and the Nighten Day team -- a thing of the past, we look forward to the Venerable Bede tournament in a forgotten corner of either New York or Pennsylvania, or perhaps New Jersey.

  • 151   The Agenbite of Inuit
  • 152   Guilt-Edged Bonds
  • 153   Ask Not for Whom the Phone Rings
  • 154   Saint Misbehavin'
  • 155   Where Do You Want to Go Today? / Sure Thing One and Sure Thing Two / George? Meet Al. / The Self-made Man has a Schlimazel for a Creator
  • 156   Well, My Favorite Amendment is the Nineteenth / Mr. Edo
  • 157   The Rut Called Life / Camelia, Meet the Lama
  • 158   And the Quenelle Happy Meal for Little Timmy /
  • 159   To Whom it May Concern
  • 160   Econ 101, Give or Take a Couple / Now that's an Odd Snuggle
  • 161   How Things Work / M:I-LD / Another One Rides the Bus, Part 1
  • 162   M:I-LD2 / Another One Rides the Bus, Part 2 / Fermat Never Had to Calculate Tournament Attendance
  • 163   Another One Rides the Bus, Part 3 / M:I-LD3 / Tradition (or, Welcome to Anatevka)
  • 164   Another One Rides the Bus, Part 4 / Morality on Paradise Island
  • 165   Another One Rides the Bus, Part 5
  • 166   Take a Letter / In the Morning, She'll Test the Porridge / Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul
  • 167   M:I-LD4 / Lounge Lizards
  • 168   Doing the Extemp Two-Step / One Hundred Forty and Counting
  • 169   But It Does Move / If You Sell It, They Will Buy / God, I'm a Dancer
  • 170   Here's Looking at You, Kid /Of All the Gin Joints in All the Towns in All the World / Camelia Maru and the Hill of Beans
  • 171   Where is Peter Parker When You Need Him? / You Say Either
  • 172   How Do You Hold a Wave Upon the Sand? / Or as Another Song Says, It's that Old Devil Moon / Is That Your Final Answer?
  • 173   I'll Have the Knuckle Sandwich Happy Meal / And So We Bid A Fond Farewell...


With the Venerable Bede over, our next stop is the national circuit biggie -- Gladecreek.

  • 174   My Breakfast With Abelard / The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Grump
  • 175   I Dream Of Tenure With the Light Brown Hair / Joe-Ja on My Mind


And that's all they wrote of Series 1.
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