Nostrum

What is this?

This is Nostrum, a fictional look at the high school debate universe, written by Jules O'Shaughnessy and the Nostrumite. The first series of Nostrum was published in the 1990s in weekly episodes until the two authors, well, ran out of gas. Along the way they published enough material to make Tolstoy think twice, but until recently it had all been lost in the mists of AOL. Then, thanks to the dedication of Jim Menick, who obviously had nothing better to do with his time, the episodes were republished, both as print versions and audios. Menick made it through about half of the audios before he, too, ran out of gas.

Audios of the original series, up through episode 72, are available, both below and on iTunes. It is the seriously strong recommendation of the management that, if you are interested in Nostrum, you begin by listening to Series One.

The original print series is also available below in reprocessed versions up through episode 72, coinciding with the recordings. After that, you get the episodes looking almost as they were originally published, up through episode 175, at which point series one ended. There is no audio for these last 103 episodes; feel free to do it yourself, if you think the world needs them that badly. Otherwise, if you're all that curious, read the damned things.

And that was where we thought it would all end, until Jules, unsuccessful in reclaiming the Moravian throne, returned to the United States and rejoined the Nostrumite in Cambridge, Massachusetts, to create Series 2. Some people call this Nostrum: The Next Generation. Others call it The Nostrum Strikes Back, Nostrum Part Deux, or Nostrum 2: Just When You Thought It Was Safe to go Back Into the Debate Tournament. We simply call it a sad failure of imagination, but who listens to us, anyhow?

N2 is available below as both written and performed episodes. It is also available by subscripion to iTunes. To separate it from the older episodes of N1, N2 episodes begin with the number 1000.

May the Lord have mercy on all our souls.

Nostrum Series Two

All of the business of N2 is taking place at Nostrum Nation.

Nostrum Series One Bonus!!!

Back in the day, each episode was introduced to the world via an epistle from St. Jules to the Forensicians. All the available copies of those epistles are now available here as pdfs.

The First Epistles of St. Jules to the Forensicians
The Second Epistles of St. Jules to the Forensicians
The Third Epistles of St. Jules to the Forensicians
The Fourth Epistles of St. Jules to the Forensicians
The Fifth Epistles of St. Jules to the Forensicians
The Sixth Epistles of St. Jules to the Forensicians

Nostrum Series One

First there's the audios. New to Nostrum? We recommend starting at the beginning. This is the complete set of podcasts; as said, there are about twice as many written episodes, so clean your glasses and get cracking after you listen to all of these. (Please note that alternate titles here, from the original HTMl head tags, are even less germane than the titles of the HTMs.)

Episode Seventy-Two: It takes one to screw up a tournament

Episode Seventy-One: Oh, great. Another pointless Sinatra reference

Episode Seventy: You too can run a tournament. Unless you're from Stanford...

Episode Sixty-Nine: Meet me at the soda fountainhead

Episode Sixty-Eight: Wait till we try West Side Story!

Episode Sixty-Seven: I hear the Don's Ho is in Hawaii...

Episode Sixty-Six: It must be a Greek thing.

Episode Sixty-Five: Don't forget other Henrys, not enough, and 1.5 less than a Fellini masterpiece.

Episode Sixty-Four: A Nostrum Quadruple Play -- Go Giants! Giants? GIANTS? You've Got to be Kidding.

Episode Sixty-Three: Apres Seinfeld, le Nostrum?

Episode Sixty-Two: Whoa! Another three-in-one! Thank you, masked man!

Episode Sixty-One: But Mama has got a trio!

Episode Sixty: Paging Carmen Miranda!

Episode Fifty-Nine: April Fool's Day, and this is all we could come up with?

Episode Fifty-Eight: We want to hear more about those Clinton disads.

Episode Fifty-Seven: And you thought only the Catholics had a trinity.

Episode Fifty-Six: Are you wearing tweed, Boss?

Episode Fifty-Five: Pomo frites.

Episode Fifty-Four: Good grief. More Sondheim? Will it never end?

Episode Fifty-Three: Bon chat, bon rat

Episode Fifty-Two: Hey, Queequeg. Get a load of this!

Episode Fifty-One: I guess this makes the school bus the engine of love.

Episode Fifty: Eyes on the Prize. Or as they say at Mcdonalds, eyes on the fries.

Episode Forty-Nine: Don't Be So Rash, Omon

Episode Forty-Eight: I'll Know When My Love Comes Along

Episode Forty-Seven: Shut Your Bloomin' Trap, Leopold!

Episode Forty-Six: Tragedy Tomorrow, Soap Opera Tonight

Episode Forty-Five: You Call This a Balcony Scene?

Episode Forty-Four: Apprenticed to a pi-lot, Shylock?

Episode Forty-Three: To Err is Human; To Coach is Divine

Episode Forty-Two: Was that Loaf or Balls?

Episode Forty-One: I Think Bing Crosby Would Have Been Good in the Part of Monsignor Lloyd.

Episode Forty: You were expecting communion wafers?

Episode Thirty-Nine: It's Dog Eat Dog Out There.

Episode Thirty-Eight: Song and Dance.

Episode Thirty-Seven: Please, Mr. Postman.

Episode Thirty-Six: No nose for news, Newt?

Episode Thirty-Five: Not to mention the archbishopric...

Episode Thirty-Four: You Light Up My Life.

Episode Thirty-Three: Well, it beats butterfly kisses.

32-B: Special edition Readings from the epistles of St. Jude to the Forensicians.

Episode Thirty-Two: "It's an honor just to be nominated." Yeah. Right.

Episode Thirty-One: I hate men!

Episode Thirty: Until next week, the balcony is closed.

Episode Twenty-Nine: I want to live with a cinnamon bun.

Episode Twenty-Eight: Bring some more coal, porter!

Episode Twenty-Seven: Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.

Episode Twenty-Six: If music be the food of love, I'll have fries with that.

Episode Twenty-Five: Yes, I like your ami, dear

Episode Twenty-Four: We called our dog Elton John because he was the pianist

Episode Twenty-Three: Hi-ho, the Glamorous Life

Episode Twenty-Two: In which we Definitely go near the Borders of the Family Viewing Hour

Episode Twenty-One: And you call yourself a Flying Dutchman?

Episode Twenty: Habanera. Hab two while you're at it.

Episode Nineteen: And You Call Yourself a Valkyrie?

Episode Eighteen: Etta Et an Opera at an Operetta?

Episode Seventeen: Dwarf Conductors (Is that an opera pun, Vlad?)

Episode Sixteen: Opera Lazy River

Episode Fifteen: Uma? Opera.

Episode Fourteen: Pagliacci? Oh, he's eating lunch in Cafeteria Rusticana

Episode Thirteen: A Mite at the Opera

Episode Twelve: Going Opera?

Episode Eleven: Opera Tune Itty Knox

Episode Ten: What Goes Opera Must Come Down

Episode Nine: Opera buffo, Biff

Episode Eight: Opie, Opus, Opera

Episode Seven: Opera the Down Staircase

Episode Six: Opera Yours

Episode Five: Opera to No Good

Episode Four: Opera Winfrey

Episode Three: Come Opera and See Me Sometime

Episode Two: Opera and At 'em

Episode One: What's Opera, Doc?

For your pdf reading pleasure:

Our adventure begins in New Jersey, with the Andrew Johnson Reconstruction Memorial (and the Little Johnson)

1 The Young and the Clueless
2 All My Debaters
3 Things to do in Denver When You're Just Feeling a Little Sickly
4 "Lucy, I'm Home"
5 Don't Cry for Me, Nighten Township
6 Bless Me Father for I Have Tabbed
7 Keep the Aspidistra What?
8 Reservoir Hot Dogs
9 The Rights Stuff
10 On the Road Again
11 Policy is the Best, Honestly
12 Them's the Breaks!
13 The Envelope, Please

Hiatus -- prepping for The Messerschmitt College Mess O' Forensics!

14 Don't Give up Your Day Job
15 Personally, I Prefer Werewolves of London
16 My Dinner with Buglaroni
17 In the Room, Forensics Come and Go
18 Sylvia? Who is she?

The Miami Messerchmitt Mess O' Forensics -- the first big college tournament of the year has finally begun. All we can say at this point is that there will be at least one arrest. Everything else is up to the judges.

19 It's a Debate World After All
20 Road Trip!
21 Do You Like Miami, Dear? Kindly Tell Me If So
22 Beware the Jabberwock, My Son
23 I Say, Jeeves, Pass the Komodo Steaks, That's a Good Fellow
24 You're Either On the Bus or Off the Bus
25 Brillig and the Slithy Tove
26 Moby Dick 2, Or, The Other Whale
27 Have an Eggroll, Mr. Goldstone
28 Because the Night...
29 What's Good About It?
30 But in the Morning, No
31 Sisterhood Forever!
32 Break, Rattle and Roll
33 PDA
34 One to Hold the Bulb and Five to Twist the Ladder

The Messerschmitt is over, but the debate season is just getting into full swing. The new LD topic is about to be released, there's romance in the air, and of course, there's the aftermath of the Messerschmitt to be unravelled.

35 A Most Excellent See, Your Excellency
36 Put This in Your Tub and Smoke It!
37 Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spammetty Spammmmmm! Spammetty Spam.
38 Tell Me On a Sunday, Please
39 I Don't Think They Mean SATs for Labrador Retrievers
40 Any Place I Hang My Hat is Holy
41 At Least It's Not the Christian Coalition
42 Paradise by the Dashboard Light
43 And You Call Yourself an Immortal?
44 A Pound of Flesh, Two Pounds of Carrots, and a Nice Baguette
45 Another Reason for Sticking with Bruce Willis Movies

This weekend it's a little tournament, an NDL/CFL at Toulouse-Lautrec High School for newbie debaters and all stripes of Speechies. Not much will happen...

46 So Is Teeny Todd Really Sweeney's Little Brother?
47 In the Heart of the Hibernian Metropolis
48 Mine I'll Leave to Chance and Chemistry. Yeah, Chemistry.
49 How Now, Kurosawa?
50 By George, I Think She's Got It
51 Song and Dance

The NDL/CFL is over. All eyes now turn to preparations for the Manhattan Lodestone OriginalVaganza (All Other Vaganzas are Merely Extra)!

52 Make Him an Aff Case He Can't Refuse
53 I'm in Love with IMs, Baby, or, What's the Story, MorningGlory@aol.com
54 I'm Calm, I'm Calm, I'm Perfectly Calm
55 Hand Me De Construction Paper / Papier De Hand Me De Construction / Paper De Hand Me Of Construction
56 You Da Man, Girlfriend!
57 Things That Go Bump in the Day -- A Nostrum Pot Pourri: Celluloid Heroes; The Seth Will Rise Again; Nancy Drew and the Missing of the Case
58 What Becomes an Invoice Most?
59 A Night at the Telephone: Welcome Back Kotter; Pass the Eggs Benedict, Arnold; The Fundamental Rules Apply
60 I Wake Up Screaming; Da, Da, Da, Da, Da, KICK!
61 And Quiet Flows the Don (Provided He has a Flow Pad) / Bunburying / Which Came First? The Chick or the Yegg?
62 Hooray for Hollywood! / The War Between Debates / Totally Moly
63 It's Not the Black Spot, but it Will Probably do the Job / Someday My Prince Will Come
64 Godsapoppin / The Old Dawg's Network / Old Trick, Young Pup Division / He Walks in Nightly, Like a Beaut
65 The Magnificent Sevens

67 The Dons' Last Do
68 The Nostrum Musical Players Proudly Present the Round Robinskis in "On the Town"
69 But Is He Worse Than Her Bite? / Did Somebody Say Conversion?

The Manhattan Lodestone OriginalVaganza (All Other Vaganzas are Merely Extra) gets underway.

70 How to Run the Perfect Tournament: A Hands-on Guide for Average Humans Wishing to Achieve Forensics Immortality
71 Musical Chairmanship: Well, Maybe This Particular Lady is a Tramp / Keglers in the Night / If I Can't Make it There, I Can't Make it Anywhere, but at least I can Audit
72 Houston, We Have a Problem
73 Awakenings
74 If LA's Such a Lady, Why are You Here? / Strangers in the Morning / Witchcraft
75 September Song, Give or Take a Few Months
76 Saturday Night is the Loneliest Night of the Week / Strangest in the Night
77 Here Comes Everybody: Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome / In Debate There are no Mortal Sins / Take a Train, Take a Boat, Take a Plane, Ride a Goat
78 The Other Imperative
79 Hey, Good-Lookin', or Words to That Effect, if I Could Only Think of What to Say, and if I had the Guts to Say It
80 Is This How Roy Met Sigfried? / Dazed and Confused
81 Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em / The Rough Guide to Forensics
82 Winning Isn't Everything / We Do Robert a Disservice
83 As the Sun Sets Over Beautiful Manhattan Lodestone...

As the Manhattan Lodestone OriginalVaganza fades into history, and the Round Robinskis conga back to Chickamauga, life goes on -- sort of -- at Nighten Day, Bisonette, and the rest of the northeast. The next event is a wee sma CFL Speech tournament, the Blessed Moly.

84 It Worked for the Lunts, Too / Birds Gotta Swim, Fish Gotta Fly
85 The End of Rico / Now Hear This!
86 Say It Isn't So, Jutmoll / Did He Who Made the Lamb Make Thee?
87 Not That Infernal Nonsense Pinafore! / Telephone, Telegraph, and Tell a Forensician
88 Where Are Those French Translations When You Really Need Them? / Computists of the world, unite!
89 The Truth Will Set You Back a Few Bucks / Eat Up. Shut.
90 The Best Part is the Seal of Approval on the Toilet / And Jupiter Aligns with Mars / Thirty Seconds Remaining
91 She Looks Askance With Arms Akimbo / The Designated Driver / Putting People First
92 Why Can't They Be Like We Were, Perfect in Every Way? / Chin Up, Shoulders Back -- You Call Yourself a Soldier? / What was that about Fast Cars?
93 The HPB Guide to Dating
94 Any Port in a Storm / Any Storm in a Port
95 I Came Here for the Waters / Down Dooby Do Down Down, Comma Comma / The Mint Jelly Would Have Been Messier / When the Swallows Return to Capistrano.com
96 Oh How I Love to Get Up in the Morning / The History of Religion, Part One, the Early Years; or, I Remember Moses / And Michael Ovitz Judges on Weekends, Not that he Needs the Extra Money, he's Simply Keeping his Hand in
97 The Road to Blessed Moly / The Road to Buglaroni / The Road to the COC
98 Seth Went the Strings of My Heart
99 It Could Have Been Alfalfa / Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow / Show Me the Way to the Next Little Boy / Is There a Femaledizione?
100 A Time for Reflection

NOTE: The following episodes were not updated for the 21st Century. The stories are there, but some of the links won't work. Stop whining and just read them, you yabbo!
101 A Star is Buglaroni
102 As Bill Said to Paula, You Make Monadnock / There Are No Small Roles, Only Small Buglaronis / What Does Moby Dick have to do with Coffee, Anyhow?
103 Home Alone / How Did They Get That Thing in There? / The Typical F.O.B. / A Horse Is A Horse, Unless of Course...
104 Work This
105 The Ugly Canadian
106 Gloria in Excelsis Gloriae
107 Welcome to Quilty!
108 And the Monadnock is Worth a Rosary? / Trouble in speech and debate land? We are shocked, shocked to hear it.
109 Wimple Weep For Me / Ratting on the Putz / I Have Often Stalked on this Street Before
110 No, No, Nymphet / Maybe She Knows Clarence Thomas?
111 So Much for Price Waterhouse
112 He's Just My Invoice / She'd Said Chad's in the Shed Eating Shad
113 Norman Bates, the Early Years / If Teeth Were Inches, Orthodontists Would Diet
114 It's Just a Jump to the Left / Cache or Charge?
115 From Pool to Pool / Well, Ah Declaim!
116 Ora Pro Speechibus / Expletive Deleted / These Precious Days / Harvard, on the Other Hand, Costs as Much as the Prom / Where Do You Want to Go Today?
117 By Their Films, Ye Shall Know Them

And finally, the Blessed Moly, a small Speech tournament, presumably for small Speechies.

118 You Must Remember This
119 Glory Days / Toujours Polyester / Scratch This / Humbert a Few Bars and I'll Fake It
120 Dr. Benway to EPR, Stat! / Where Do They Sell the Sprouts? / The Joy of Speech Judging
121 Kumar Tells All

Next up, we get our brains in gear for Massachusetts' legendary Algren-on-the-Beach tournament.

122 Nietzsche Was Right About Eternal Recurrence / Meow, Antimeow, Synmeow
123 Never Burn Your Bridges
124 Ten to One They're Eating PBJ Sandwiches at Veil of Ignorance / It Could Have Been Semi's Colons
125 Yale, Schmale
126 Advertising 101
127 The Nostrum Guide to Opera
128 A Cigar is Good, But a Woman is a Woman
129 The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Bus Token
130 Road Warriors / We Always Thought the Jarndyces only Fought Each Other
131 Ralph Kramden, Ralph Kramden, wherefore art thou Ralph Kramden?
132 Is That You, Ayesha? / Da Bus! Da Bus! / You Can Never Find a Guatemalan when You Need One
133 I See You Quiver With Antici-- / --pation
134 Would You Prefer a Novena? / Thank God for Pets Dot Com
135 No Exit, Part 2: He's Sartre and He's Mad
136 To the Lord, Praises Be / It’s Time for Dinner so Let’s All Eat / In Vedantic Tab, it’s a Dormouse
137 Any Place I Hang My Hat is Housing
138 Consider Yourself Part of the Family
139 Have Those Tickets for the Rolling Stones Alzheimer Tour Arrived Yet, Pumpkin? / And You Call Yourself a Chuzzlewit? / Whatever Happened to Cousin Ampersand and Uncle Underscore? / EconoHovel. Always the Same. People Come. People Go. Nothing Ever Happens.
140 The Lamb Comes Home to Roost / If there were any Justice, we'd Give Tickets to Handicapped People who Park in Non-handicapped Spaces
141 Passages / One First Mate is as Good as Another
142 Here Come Da Parent Judge, Here Come Da Parent Judge / This Guy Says the Horse Can Do
143 Compared with which that would be as sensible as a dictionary / Talkin' About My G-G-G-Generation
144 When I Say I'm in Love You'd Best Believe I'm in Love, L-U-V / Fugue for Debatehorns / My Anomie's Anomie is My Friend
145 What is this thing called love? / What? Is this thing called love? / What is this thing called, love?
146 Do You Come Here Often, What's Your Sign, and I Once Met Beck's Mother-In-Law / Is that Er, as in Uh, or ER as in Emergency Room? / If You Were Mexican, You'd Eat Mexican Food Three Times a Day
147 Fast Forward to 2017 / The Nicest Scient Insect
148 What Whine Goes with Ferrets? / Of the Tumbled, Speak No Evil / Swains a' Poppin'
149 Bow, Applause, Bow, Applause, Reprise, Applause, Bow, We’re Outta Here
150 This is the Way The Team Ends

With Algren-on-the-Beach -- and the Nighten Day team -- a thing of the past, we look forward to the Venerable Bede tournament in a forgotten corner of either New York or Pennsylvania, or perhaps New Jersey.

151 The Agenbite of Inuit
152 Guilt-Edged Bonds
153 Ask Not for Whom the Phone Rings
154 Saint Misbehavin'
155 Where Do You Want to Go Today? / Sure Thing One and Sure Thing Two / George? Meet Al. / The Self-made Man has a Schlimazel for a Creator
156 Well, My Favorite Amendment is the Nineteenth / Mr. Edo
157 The Rut Called Life / Camelia, Meet the Lama
158 And the Quenelle Happy Meal for Little Timmy /
159 To Whom it May Concern
160 Econ 101, Give or Take a Couple / Now that's an Odd Snuggle
161 How Things Work / M:I-LD / Another One Rides the Bus, Part 1
162 M:I-LD2 / Another One Rides the Bus, Part 2 / Fermat Never Had to Calculate Tournament Attendance
163 Another One Rides the Bus, Part 3 / M:I-LD3 / Tradition (or, Welcome to Anatevka)
164 Another One Rides the Bus, Part 4 / Morality on Paradise Island
165 Another One Rides the Bus, Part 5
166 Take a Letter / In the Morning, She'll Test the Porridge / Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul
167 M:I-LD4 / Lounge Lizards
168 Doing the Extemp Two-Step / One Hundred Forty and Counting
169 But It Does Move / If You Sell It, They Will Buy / God, I'm a Dancer
170 Here's Looking at You, Kid /Of All the Gin Joints in All the Towns in All the World / Camelia Maru and the Hill of Beans
171 Where is Peter Parker When You Need Him? / You Say Either
172 How Do You Hold a Wave Upon the Sand? / Or as Another Song Says, It's that Old Devil Moon / Is That Your Final Answer?
173 I'll Have the Knuckle Sandwich Happy Meal / And So We Bid A Fond Farewell...

With the Venerable Bede over, our next stop is the national circuit biggie -- Gladecreek.

174 My Breakfast With Abelard / The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Grump
175 I Dream Of Tenure With the Light Brown Hair / Joe-Ja on My Mind

And that's all they wrote of Series 1.